For the longest time I was extremely unhappy and in my head, everything had to line up perfectly and go smoothly before I could afford myself the indulgence of happiness. Looking back at this now I see how foolish I was to think and even believe such.
When my life was ‘holistically’ falling apart, work was a battlefield, church was unfortunately where I worked, home was even worse, money was beingssucked into a bottomless pit (aka a penthouse flat, which I had bought as an investment), love life was a stress I couldn’t fully commit myself to on top of everything else. So, I found myself having to divorce God from the church and push away the love of my life in case he couldn’t support me in the way I expected him to. I am a complicated person or as my former friend and former mentor Tshepo would say, I am indeed ‘hectic’.
When I thought I had hit rock bottom, I soon discovered that I could still plunge deeper, and even deeper I plunged. Until one day I decided that I was just gonna be happy or at least pretend to be. Armed with my antidepressants and verbal diarrhea I became louder and I laughed deeper. I ditched my introversion and acted extremely extroverted. I focused on my work deliverables and tried daily to dodge trouble. Oh but trouble followed me, it loves me. I prayed harder. Enlisted the support of colleagues and friends.
We would have our own morning prayer upstairs in our office whilst the whole building went down to the chapel for Holy Mass. We didn’t care for the snares, judgements and scoffs. We ate out almost everyday. Donuts, fried chicken and pizza were our preferred poison.
I must say though that during this time, I knew I could count on Sr Phuthunywa Siyali to listen to my many problems and give wise advice and we often found plenty of tissues and words of encouragement from Fr Paul Tatu. I honestly don’t know what would have become of my faith had these two angels not been there.
I also found that a glowing skin and bright lipstick did wonders to uplift my mood, so I went crazy with my skin care routine and it showed.
I got inspiration from Cece Olisa to join airbnb as a host and make money on the side from my oh so expensive property. To my surprise, it worked. I got some financial relief. I remember when I was renting out my own bedroom and would have to store my personal belongings in Ntlantla and Sihle’s room and I often asked Sihle to co-host guests as I would maje myself scarce during the days when my room was booked. I quite enjoyed this actually!
I was able to create a new normal, where I focused on the task at hand and on finding solutions without getting too emotional about the problem and focusing on the cause. I still could and often did throw my toys out of the cot when the situation warranted. Make no mistake, this Zulu woman from rural KZN is nobody’s doormat.
At the beginning of this journey of finding or rather creating happiness within, I recorded this video, which I am very glad to share with you: https://youtu.be/k77CTF4hK58
Until next time.