Excorcizing demons of the past

This is a photo of me in heart failure, before diagnosis. Face all swollen and puffy. 

The other day I was chatting with my cousin (well, his mom and my dad are double cousins, they share both sets of grandparents) about how I got to my current state of mind and the current state of affairs.
He didn’t believe that a job could cause someone so much distress and plainly said ‘gazlam, if you were utterly heartbroken by a man, you know you can tell me right’.
I don’t know what infuriated me more, the fact that he doesn’t believe the hell I went through (along with some of my colleagues and friends: Tinyiko, Mnakza, Kabelo, @sibomkhize and @molotoz) or the misogynistic assumption and conclusion that I suffered heart failure because of heartbreak.
I could not be mad at him, who in the world makes his/her job their entire life. I used to think about work every waking moment and if I wasn’t devising a new project, I would be thinking of ways to improve existing ones. Always tweaking things and getting resistance for it.
When I think back to the days that led to my hospitalization, there’s a lot of red flags that I could pin point. My typical reaction when attacked was to fight back but when my former director accused me of racism, I just couldn’t deal. It shouldn’t have but it broke me down.
I remember poor @mnakilezwanedlamini trying to get me to calm down.
Some people can come for you and attack you from all angles, just for their own amusement. It’s in their nature to toy with people’s lives.
These are the flashbacks that threw me off when I went for a job interview on ash Wednesday. I am certain that I heard God tell me ‘I don’t want this for you’.
It totally threw me off and I am glad.
My mom’s always said that she felt some type of way about nuns after attending boarding school, nursing training and working with them for many decades at a Catholic Hospital. One time she asked me if I wanted to become a nun and the sigh of relief and joy on her face when I said ‘NO, HELL NO!’
I digress. It’s not just nuns. Hell, not all nuns are evil and cruel. I have nun friends who are exceptions to the norm. Shout out to Sr V and Sr P.
I stand here a changed person because of the experiences of the past 13 years & the biggest lesson for me is that I come 1st.

Published by FabulousMeuJwara

I'm a dark-skinned black woman who loves life, fashion, food and books. I am a writer at heart. I am fat and fabulous. I enjoy traveling and exploring. I am creative and smart. Welcome to my world!

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