My journey of faith is a very long and confusing chapter in the book of my life.
Beloveds, please know that I am merely just sharing my thoughts and feelings with you at this particular point in time. I have dealt with some of this stuff internally and to a certain degree I think that I have healed. I am simply documenting my journey.]
For starters my confirmation classes lasted 4 years, I had to watch in shame as my friends wore their white frilly dresses with long veils and white heels with stockings to match. My parents were so disappointed in me and they let me have it too.
So, because I was now repeating my confirmation classes, I was not gonna get the new dress, shoes, veil ensemble like my classmates, who were all younger than me of course. The embarrassment of wearing my mom’s old work uniform made into a skirt and those R2 lace hair bands they sold at the mission. The only thing I was happy about were the cool (brown) shoes that my God mother had given me for my birthday!
I couldn’t even laugh at the bishop’s lame jokes, I just wanted it to be over and done with.
I still believe I was robbed. I wonder if Fr Tenza would remember why I had failed . So after that, I wasn’t big on church until it wasn’t forced on me.
When I chose Catholicism, I participated fully. Joined the choir, attended conferences, became a BEC member… I even became a sponsor for a catechumen. She never pitched for her baptism and I was wearing all black for the occasion coincidentally.
And then someone duped me into ukusindiswa (being born again) . I am telling this story for the very first time. Abi was my roommate at SASOL for the mandatory vacation work (I had a bursary, long story) in December 1999. So we are praying ke before bed and she decided to lead the prayer
Next thing she asked me to repeat after her and I did, so when we were finished praying she told me that I had just become a Mzalwane and that she was going to mentor me.
Tried to explain but decided it was easier to go along with her thing for the sake of peace (I knew how to choose my battles back then). She would ask me not to pray but say ‘yes Lord!’ when she prayed and Amen at the end
I had to stop hanging out with Lwazi and all the non-believers that I was hanging out with, she demanded. I used to sneak out to the tv room just to get away from the holier-than-thou condescension.
Funny thing is, she was dating her pastor and would kick me out of the room when she was on the phone with him. I didn’t even want to know what they were doing that was so private. She made me swear not to tell UND people about her courtship.
Fast forward to me working for the church! I got introduced to Education For Life and I saw myself grow spiritually. But as I moved from diocesan level to conference level… Hheyi that’s when I really needed God in my life and by my side at all times. Ever so faithful, he carried me and saw me through some tough times.
With time, the tough times intensified and I started to see the church differently. I felt forced to separate the church from God.
With time I started feeling like I was in a one-sided relationship with God and that it was time for Him to fight for me. Sadly that’s when a big rift happened between God and I, to the point where I was so spiritually poor, I couldn’t pray out loud. If I tried, screams and cries would come out of my mouth but no words.
I got invited to participate in the retreat in daily life program called ‘encounter with God’ by one of my dear friends. I think the new relationship I have with God is largely as a result of the encounter with God journey. Bra Thabo had his hands full, mentoring and guiding me.
A lot of people have left our church wounded and not knowing who to turn to because of who had hurt them and the positions they hold.
I, on the other hand am less interested in church and more focused on God right now.