When I envisaged this journey, I anticipated that 6 months would be sufficient. I even told one frenemy, who advised that 6 months would be too long. I had planned to do a silent retreat for 7 days and then apply the techniques I have learned over the years to unpack and shred the negative experiences and restore my inner self. It didn’t quite work out like that.
I have realized that I need to go back to the very beginning, it cannot just start with job toxicity.
Everyday is an unfolding of stuff, some of which I can’t bring myself to even type or pen down. I wish I could evaporate this stuff somehow. It’s easier to talk about external things than the deep seated stuff.
A part of me even suspects that my inability to lose weight and keep it off for life is linked to some of these issues.
I don’t know if this is an actual memory or a picture created from a story I was told growing up of looking for food in people’s trash because the nanny my mom entrusted with taking care of us was too busy enjoying life & not doing her job. I think that’s why my granny (MaNyova) had such a soft spot for me.
I didn’t realize that I would have to go that far back. Current events like the killings in Mthwalume also spark bad memories of people feeling & acting entitled to my body. As much as it is a perpetrator problem, being attacked leaves you with lots of scars. The complacency & empty gestures are not helping the situation at all. Fear based parenting is also not helping anyone. If you are a parent, make sure your child can talk to you about anything. Don’t just say it, live it.
This work cannot be rushed. We gotta be patient with ourselves and show some self compassion.
There’s definitely a bright light at the end of this tunnel but hardwork is required to get me there.
#healing #journey #process #patience #compassion #selflove #memories #StopGBV #stopkillingwomen #stoprape