So I went on the internet this morning because I simply couldn’t deal with my current situation. I found this very informative and helpful. https://www.healthline.com/health/my-bipolar-mother-refused-treatment-for-40-years-how-i-coped
My mom did not refuse treatment, she has never been diagnosed. I don’t want to make this a black thing but generally if you can function profitably in society, we tend to overlook your mental wellness. If you are clean, can carry a normal conversation and hold down a job, we look the other way when the rest of your behavior makes no sense. In fact we will be told about an ancestor who had the same antics and how hilarious it was. My sense of humor must be seriously lacking.
It became clear as day when I read Eyebags and dimples by Bonnie Mbuli that what has plagued my mother throughout my childhood and even now in her old age was a mental illness, that has gone undiagnosed and therefore untreated for her entire 70+ years of existence.
I am fortunate that when I finally recognized the signs and symptoms in myself, I had access to a medical practitioner who assisted me through it and I am unashamedly open about my use of Prozac.
People often say that when you go through tough situations, it is preparing you for what is about to come. Clearly I learnt the wrong things from dealing with Fakazile. I learnt to lash out and retort. Something I can never do in this situation. I realize my shortcomings and inability to care for my mom’s psychological needs.
Having figured out how to navigate my own healing and wellness by myself, without anyone holding my hand is putting me at a disadvantage because I now have to hold her hand and I am not sure if I know how.
So I will research and learn, I will fail and try some more until I figure it out because I love my mother. She is the only parent I have left. In her own way I know that she loves me, at least I hope that she does.